May be....

'Remember, remember the 5th of November!'

Well nothing happened on that day actually...just the last comment by This on the last post where she shouts at me, simply reminded me these lines.
Yes its been long...really long that I have written. Well to tell the truth I haven't even written a letter or a mail in a long time. Words seemed to have vanished from my world...it was just so full of actions...so full of commands and obeying commands...duties...responsibilities and again too much of freedom. I had too much of freedom which was, now I feel, mismanaged. I ran about to find solace in the work that the world offered me...nothing happened and yet I pretended to be happy..to be content...and thus I was left with this huge void...and my words got lost in that vaccum. May be...

And then the meaning of happiness changes.

The radio doesn't sound quite that nice,

Tram rides dont excite so much.

A bottle of beer seems more alluring

Than candy floss.

A dance floor at a night club,

Seems a better a plance to be in than

The vastness of an empty playground.

Amusement parks don't amuse all that much.

And joy rides arent very joyful.

The price tag on a gift begins to matter

And it becomes embarrassing to

Have mothers kiss you on the forehead.

Friend change acording to the job profile,

Loved ones become the bothering ones.

Life takes a sharp turn,

Plunges into whole new definitions.

...And then suddenly

The very meaning of happiness changes.

Changes, as you grow up.

The sweet smell of wet earth,
Bent trees
Drops of water on leaves.
Wet and cold,
Mushy,
Snug.
Her disarrayed hair
His warm skin.
Tangled locks
Slippery sandals
Dark skies,
Dark eyes as the skies above.
Smell,
Of his skin.
Puddles of muddy water
Ripples and a paperboat
Driftwood.
Walking down narrow lanes
The hem of her skirt
The whiteness of her legs
The smell in his neck
Nose rubbing nose
Eyelids touching eyelids
Light brush of lips,
And melting down.
So drowsy,
Long fingers clasped around
Pudgy ones.
So very drowsy.........

Tell me...

Tell me…how do you do it?
How do you express agony in words?
How do you make one understand in words that your insides are on fire?
Your mind, your heart, your senses are blazing---tell me, how do you tell one that?
How do you tell someone that the reason you cannot utter a word is not because you don’t want to, but because there are these freaking words stuck in your throat, stumbling upon each other to come out?
How do you explain your irrational, unnecessary heartbreak?
How...exactly how do you convey your loneliness…
Your love…your anger… your laughter…your hatred…
The nausea you feel when you have to swallow those solid emotions not being able to bring them out in words…
The desire, the longing to scream, shout, groan, curse and then cry,
Just sit down and sob in a corner hugging your own self tightly… How do you do that? How do you express them in words?

Explanation

Man, had I thought of this?!?
No.
Not even in my wildest dream did I think that I will be giving out an explanation and that too on just a bloody vision I had. But now coming to think of it this is what I've been doing all my life.Giving out explanations about things I've done,haven't done or am about to do---everything.
Trying,in vain,all my life to explain small things such as---why I could never pass in geography...why I have to sleep alone at night...why I don't go to funerals...why I'm so indecisive and why...Why at all did I become myself?
Explaining,justifying,reasoning---rather trying to do all of these together and then getting fatigued and wondering---Why do I even try at all? But then I remember I do all this because someone had explained something called Optimism to me at the very start of life.



P.S:I missed the main reason I wrote all this stuff...visions are merely visions...better put as hallucinations.

Vision-I

The wind rush past her ears...
she stands there hugging herself...
the night covers the sky like black velvet...
a single shiver runs down her spinal cord...
somewhere an owl hoots...
a solitary star twinkling faintly...
a single drop of tear falls at her feet...
the wind blows through her hair...
she stands there hugging herself.

All I ask for.....

All I ask for,
Is a green meadow
With guinea pigs and ducklings,
And a few sheep ambling around here and there.
A nice little mansion
With a fountain in the courtyard
And a vegetable patch behind it.
Some beautiful gowns
With sashes around them
And a carraige pulled by unicorns
With my lover beside me.

Oh! Is that asking for too much....?

All I ask for,
Is pleasant weather all around the year
And a bout of rain now and then.
Wings to fly to the moon and back
Without much traffic on the way,
A bed with muslin sheets to lie down on
Whenever I please!
A cellphone with a lifetime validity
And unlimited charge and balance
And absolute freedom to do just as i wish.

Really! Is that asking for bit too much...?

All I ask for,
Is a single free icket to every concert in the town
And a visit to Someplace Else thrice a week,
And sing anywhere and everywhere.
Gift vouchers from 'Crosswords', for books to buy
And permission to sit there and read throughout the day.
One visit to shillong to watch the 'Scorpions' perform live
And coffee with Amy Lee from Evanescance at her place.

Tell me, Would you still say I am asking for a bit too much...?
:O

And They Say......

I see myself reaching for the highest branch
On that hundred year old tree,
And perching myself up there
To look at the world beneath
But they say, "Irrational are such dreams."

I see that wave hitting the huge rock
And falling back.
It keeps coming back, trying again
That perhaps someday it'll make it to the shore
But they say, "Hopeless are such hopes."

I see the nightingale sailing
Through the wide azure,
Singing a song that could
Bring the dead alive.
But they say, "Improper is such music."

I search for a life in his eyes
Even as I yearn for it to end.
Time files by, stealing with it
For what i crave.
But they say, "Worthless is such a life."
___________________________________________________
Consequences of a very depressing day.... :P

Early thoughts of the day....

Everyday when I wake up in the morning,the first thing I do is---CURSE everyone around... Why the hell do we have to get up in the morning? Why can't we get up in the afternoon? Okay, may be not in the afternoon but at least not before 10 to 10:30...Please!

But no point telling all this because everyone...starting from my Ma,my tuition teacher,even our milkman (HariDa) have the time to lend me a ear only and only (one last time please!) and ONLY in my dreams..which I usually have just before Ma pulls me out of my bed. Okay, I get pulled down,shouted at and then dragged into the bathroom.(Sigh!)

Everyday (when I say everyday I mean EVERYDAY), since time immemorial, while brushing my teeth, this mesmerizingly STUPID thought comes to my mind---"How do the Tigers and the Lions manage without brushing their teeth? And if they can manage without that Close-Up, Binaca,Oral-B and stuff then WHY do we take so much pain?"

However,before you start judging my mental condition lets proceed further.

I remember not many years ago,but a long time back I used to walk around in our garden,early in the morning,with the toothbrush in my mouth (chewing its bristles so very badly that it had to be changed every 15 days),stepping on all the dewdrops that I could see on the diamond-studded grass,may be standing under a over-grown shrub for a while and then again moving away,attracted by a Red Ladybird beetle with black polka dots all over.


Ma used to shout at that time also. But I never got bored. I always enjoyed it. Even if it ultimately led to a resounding slap,a blood-curdling glare or just an exasparated sigh. Now I just get bored.

Things were New then. Most of it is New still now( How much have I seen or known?), but still the fact that I can Actualy KNOW,LEARN,JUDGE and DECIDE is not New anymore,which at times leads to--BOREDOM. (Sigh!)

I KNOW Ma will shout, I've LEARNT why she shouts, I've JUDGED her reasons for shouting and I've DECIDED that no matter what, I simply LOVE her shouting. Somethings should always remain unchanged. (Smile!)

But however, the Red Ladybird beetle with black polka dots all over does not attract me anymore. May be because I know WHY its there or may be just because I know it'll always be there.I don't go out to my garden anymore. It'll always be there as well. Nothing is new about it.Even the NEW rosebud isn't new enough.

But its not the rosebud's fault. Its my mindset. Our mindset.

We are now in the INFORMATION AGE, where you are supposed to be INFORMATIVE. You'll KNOW what you are supposed to KNOW...you need to KNOW and are asked to KNOW. You know anything more than that and people start calling you a failure.

Nobody 'knows' for the pleasure of knowing. Nobody 'knows' for the excitement of knowing.Everybody knows just for the HECK of knowing.

The new rosebud (without a new air about it) is not in my syllabus for the Half-Yearly Examination.So why should I know about it?Why should I know that the Red Ladybird beetle WITH BLACK POLKA DOTS ALL OVER ("Not again!") has a new neighbour,the Mustard-colour Moth?

Why should you know my Early Morning Thoughts?

But then again if all the Questions had Answers and No-one also had useful work like Everyone then things would have been Quite Different... rather Very Different.